They always say that relationships are about taking risks because we never know what the outcome may be. Are we going to be with the person for a long time or not? Are they our forever? We never know until we take that leap of faith to find out.
After years of not seeing someone on a consistent basis, I finally did for about two months. Quite honestly, I learned some valuable lessons that I don't think I would have otherwise. Here is what I learned...
#1: Being Vulnerable Isn't THAT Scary
Considering that I am an introvert, I have a professional personality exam from a social psychologist to prove it. It's VERY hard for me to bring new people into my life. I've always been this way, and it's easy for me to open up to people that I have known for years because it's comfortable. And after all these years, I know that they love me and accept me for who I am.
However, being with Ben, I was able to open up with him and share very personal things. It came naturally to me. I didn't question it. I didn't stop myself. I was just me, and it was refreshing to be vulnerable with someone new who didn't know anything about me. I thrived off that feeling and figured that it wasn't that bad.
After this experience, I want to be vulnerable again when it feels right with the right person. And that it's not that scary after all like I had it figured out in my head.
#2: We All Have Different Values, Opinions, Interests And They Should be Respected
We all have different things that we value such as religion and politics, etc. We are all entitled to believe in what we want, have our OWN opinions and interests. That's the beauty of living in America and being human. As much as this is something that we pride ourselves as a society in having, we have to learn to co-exist with one another without judgment and criticism, which is easier said than done.
I have found that being respected in ALL aspects of life is what matters. We need to be respected as a human. I've always thought about being respected meant that nothing bad would happen to me, and people wouldn't be rude to me or make fun of me, etc.
But in turn, I've learned we just need to be respected for who we are as a person. And that NOT everyone will have the same opinion as me, and that is okay. It's important for us to know/ hear other people's perspectives and appreciate their point of view no matter what.
Ben and I valued completely different things, and it created a wedge in our relationship. When I was in college studying psychology, I learned that we tend to gravitate to people that are similar to us such as beliefs, interests and the like. I never thought about that before. I was always attracted to someone different than me. But now I know how big of a part that plays in any kind of relationship.
Be with someone with enough similarities on things that we wouldn't want to compromise such as marriage, kids, and life goals, etc.
#3: We ALL Communicate Our Needs Differently
People communicate their needs differently, whether by physical touch, reassurance, quality time, receiving or giving gifts, etc. I am an emotional person, and I tend to get attached to people easily if I feel comfortable around them. I am a talker, and I like to get to know people. I love it. It's easy for me to be this way when it's more one-on-one. I like to feel reassured about the relationship I am in. He was a physical touch person, he likes to be close, hugging, touching, etc. I feel like those affections bring people closer and can definitely help someone feel reassured in a relationship.
It's important to let the other person know how you communicate your needs, and be able to create a balance. One of the main reasons why we ended was because I smothering him with my emotions and he was smothering me with physical affection. We didn't even get a chance to figure that out, but it's definitely important too.
#4: Stay True to Yourself
As cliche as this may sound, it's so true, we MUST stay true to ourselves. At times, it can be easy to get caught up in the moment and go with the flow because we don't want to feel left out or be the oddball. However, this can turn into a bad habit and we can deny our genuine selves and other people miss out on knowing who we truly are.
I found myself pushing myself and trying to be the person that I thought that he wanted and needed. But in turn, I went against my beliefs and felt guilty about it. I wasn't true to myself, and it hurt me in the end, more than the break up of our relationship. We can only change ourselves for the better, and not for someone else because that isn't as satisfying.
#5: Moving On
Moving on after a breakup can be difficult. We cope with it differently and mourn for different amounts of time depending on the length and intensity of a relationship. As much as we feel for someone, we can't always go back to them no matter how much we want them back for various reasons. We won't always be liked by someone, things don't always work out the way we want them too and things change.
At one point, we have to pick ourselves back up and put ourselves out there in the world. Not necessarily dating, but focus on ourselves such as our goals whether it be professional or personal.
Here I am after my break up with Ben, writing like I always have enjoyed doing, but have stopped because I didn't feel like I had something to say. Now, I do. I am reevaluating my life, working on personal growth and doing things that I enjoy, and maybe even going back to school for fashion.
I won't deny the fact that there are days where I find myself thinking about him and reminiscing about our time together. And I do miss the feeling that he would give me. As difficult as it may be sometimes, I know that I will find someone who will love and accept me for who all that I am.
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